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International Pun Contest Winners 2004

Well, puns aren't exactly "Science", but I so seldom put anything up in this section. I don't know how many times, because I have a very warped sense of humor, the littlest thing will hit me so funny I'm doubled over, crying, while everyone else stands perfectly sober, staring at me and asking each other, "What's wrong with her?" On the flip side I'll sit stone faced through entire evenings, parties, dinners, movies...politely smiling on cue so I don't appear to be some hostile jerk but honestly, the stories and comments that everyone else was wetting their pants over just weren't even amusing. On the other flip side (yes, I know it implies two but it's my damn website...) I've known people who are so good at puns that just about everything out of their mouths is a "pun joke" and within an hour, everyone was ready to murder the person to get them to shut up. Then again, my family tells me, weekly, that I'm not at all funny, not even a tiny bit, so go figure. :)

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron!" The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the smelliest beggar in town to beg outside their shop. When all the customers stayed away, they shut down, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ........ A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns on their web site, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????

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