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An observational report on
Pamela Anderson's Sideshow Boobs

Please bear with here as I reiterate what I have come to understand as the History of Pamela Anderson's chest.

OK.......In The Beginning she was just her. She was really cute and looks nothing like she does now, the list of what she had 'done' reads like a grocery list. But as is the American Way, if you have big tits and that Clairol #666 Unitone No-Earthly-Color-Blonde Hair, you have it made and are seen as Drop Dead Perfect Gorgeous; the Perfect Sex Goddess. Here in the US (and I do mean it's the US's exclusive, destructive standards) the Perfect Sexy Playboy Erotic Never Mind The Face Standard is to possess the unnaturally occurring body of a 14-year old boy and the breasts of two water towers stuck onto your collar bones. It's all quite sick. But I won't go off on that rant right now...I wouldn't shut up for 9 pages.

Pam went a bit farther, however. She also partook in the nose job/cheek implants/liposuction/collagen rituals and of course, the series of 'breast enhancements".

Pam had the Breasts put in.

Then she had those taken out and bigger ones put in.

Then she had those taken out and yet bigger ones put in.

Then she had those removed and had smaller ones substituted. But they were still pretty damn big. I mean it's one thing to get implants and merely have a natural, "not-even-notice", fits-in-with-the-big-picture look. There are such things are "what I might have had if I did have" and "just a curve to enhance". People who have reconstructive surgery don't even have to explain - thank God this is all there for them. But you do not have to get 44D watermelons just because you get Implants. Is my point. And they all seem to -- and almost play "boob ante" with it, each starlet and Wanna Be Sex Pot going for bigger and wider.

Anyway ... Then she had those taken out and was going on and on and on about how she was going au natural from now on and what an insecure pile of phony BS it is to have fake breasts and those days are over! She's matured now! All this Sex Toy Bimbo Tart crap is not where she's matured to in her life thankyouverymuch and damn if it hurts her "career"...she realized what counts is who you are, not what kind of body you have! She's sick of playing this vapid blonde garbage! She wants to be taken seriously for her natural beauty and intelligence and acting ability! The only reason she had The Alien Monsters in the first place was because her Evil ex-husband Rock Star Tommy Lee liked them, being a rock star and all. She just wanted to make him happy! We Don't Have To Buy Into This Male Crap And Feed This Image of Accepted Female! ! Like, Love Yourself For What and.... Like, Who You Are!!

That lasted like, 3 days.

So THEN she had yet another set of fake ones put in. When people started saying, "WOAH there, Pammy..those are getting into Circus Material Territory!" her Spin Camp said Oh, well....they're not ALL fake ... Pam's pregnant! Are we all happy for her! Notthatshesunwedandhastwokidssheneglectsalreadyandisoutpartying24/7 ... we're just THRILLED! How can you comment about her breastseses when you should be happy for her?!" So that's why they're just so extra Super Horkin' big now. Except Pam was only about almost 2 months pregnant at the time and if you have a brain in your head you know you don't have instant lactate factories in your breasts at even 5 months. In fact Pam was heard to muse that she might celebrate her pregnancy by having those implants removed because, now that you mention it, it'd probably be healthier if the kid wasn't trying to suck on a built-in Playtex bottle full of silicone. But alas, Pam sadly lost her baby shortly after. And she was mad at her shithead rock star boyfriend, Kid Rock, for not being there at her side to help her through this trauma but she forgave him when he eventually showed up with presents. As a side note to this, the boobs stayed exactly the same size and Pam was out partying 9/10ths naked in no time at all. Well, Yayayayaya!

THEN she found out she had Hepatitis C. This wasn't from the fact that in spite of Pam's Management Gang trying to promote a squeaky clean All- American Girl Bay Watch Bathing Beauty image- the sweet sunkissed thing! - that anyone who actually picked up a paper knew Pam was as crazed of a drug, drinking and party animal as any of them out there in Hollyweird. But oh no, not demure Pam! Pam says she caught Hep C from her evil ex-husband Rock Star Tommy Lee because of uh...shared tattoo needles. Yeah that's it!. Tommy Lee said that's bullshit and they can test him if they want. Any damn time..bring it on. Right now. I never heard if they did, and you'd think the Anderson Camp would do that in about 2 seconds after finding out she had it, and test the kids, too, since that's pretty much Recommended Normal Medical Procedure when it's found that a family member has Hep C, since it is contagious through various means like sharing the same bottle or glass, transmission of bodily fluids including sexually, even sharing a razor or toothbrush. Maybe I missed an issue of my beloved gossip papers. :)

Pam bemoaned, bravely, her long upcoming battle with this serious, life style-changing disease and how she was FOR SURE THIS TIME having The Girls taken out so her body would have a fighting chance and she would be her au natural self with nothing for her body to have to contend with on her road to recovery (you never are cured of Hep C and most are left always tired, regardless. It just goes into remission but is a time bomb. It can stay in remission for years or flare up at anytime and stay that way with your liver enzymes a mess and possible liver cancer in your future. There's a lifestyle you must lead and a list of things you can't do, medicines and over the counter meds you can't take. You're not supposed to drink alcohol so you don't tax your liver. In some stages people have to undergo Chemotherapy.) Pam was seen going to health food stores, tired and pale (not from partying! No! She's sick, dammit!) and stacking up on juices and vitamins, preparing for the Treatments. Poor Brave Pam! She explained about how she was just going to quietly take a year or two off and tend to her life, her two young boys (oh yeah...those...) and her health - no more partying for her - this was a wake up call and she will NOT be a Victim - by God and Wonderbra, she'll beat this thing.

That lasted like, 4 days.

(I reflected on that I know 2 people with Hep C. One's having chemotherapy now and still goes to work every day she can; she's going through hell. She got it doing drugs when she was in her 20s and it didn't show up until a fellow drug-doer found it 25 years later, and the calls were made to all who had been there, 25 years ago partying. Most of those 'friends'. it was found, have it in some stage. None knew. The other is in his late 50s. Best they can guess is he got it in the army as a teen when they conveyor-belt inoculated soldiers one after the other with the same needles. He was told he had about 2 years to live, 5 years ago. He's also been through hell and almost died countless times after going into massive systemic hemmoraging. They haven't been written up in the papers as "heros" though.)

Well! Next thing I know, Pam's got MORE EVEN HUGER Woozahoots and announces that she thinks she's going to take a year off from her career (career? what? ) to tour for a year with her Rock Star boyfriend, Kid Rock, and do on-stage sexy Pole Stripper dances while he sings, so she can be part of his act - true love and all that. He's just gone too much ::pout!:: and so she thought this way she can be with him and not just be a hanging around girlfriend Bimbo type..she can actually contribute! Like Kid's music isn't good enough to be heard on it's own merit..hell, get some tits up there! Ex-husband Evil Rock Star Tommy Lee is now thinking of fighting for custody of those kids Pam keeps forgetting she has. She's shown Business as usual at Public Affairs and Award To-Dos still mostly naked and well...I'm wondering how to get my friends this miracle Hep C cure!

I can only imagine her current evil rock start boyfriend is MAKING HER DO THIS. Poor sweet Pam! I can't imagine, nor would want to, the road map of scars and stretch marks on her chest, not to mention that this can't be good for the body. It's interesting to me how we rip Michael Jackson a new one (well, ok, I do..) and call him a wackjob for having his face redone every week, but stuff like Pam here is not seen as the same ongoing self-mutilation illness. This is all acceptable on a sick level because men/society/Playboy says it's "attractive".

And so I propose a race - which will come out first - another Pamela Anderson Screwing Yet Another Boyfriend Video or yet another Implant upgrade/downgrade?

Stay tuned!

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