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CNN takes over World; moves Switzerland; orders other countries off Earth

Here I thought I had nothing better to do than lay on the couch in a semi-coma, hoping CNN's boring nonstop crap would lull my insomnia to sleep. Imagine how fast I jumped up when I saw this! I guess the War On Terrorism is worse than I thought! Did I miss a meeting? They nuked Austria? The Czech Republic - vaporized? Someone let France absorb Belgium and the Netherlands? Will they now be forced to eat snails? Did they OK this? Liechtenstein...well, that's OK. That was just kind of a teeny, fake "country" I think they let exist mostly because it was fun to say "Liechtenstein" and it made for a good trivia question. I couldn't call anyone on the phone to tell this shocking bit of news to, because it was 4 am and who the hell wants to her my ranting at that hour? So first thing Normal Hours, I called my friend Garret in NYC, being as they wake up first over on that side. I told him about my horrifying discovery and you know what he said? "How long have you been up without any sleep again?" I said OK, fine, Mr. Funnypants, I'll send you the damn photo. Just get your Brooks Brothers, double pressed ass online when you get to work and you just wait and see.

Well! No sooner did I send it when I got an Email from Gar telling me that his entire investment company pitched in all the pills they had at the bottoms of their purses and briefcases and he's sending me 13 Ambien, 29 Xanax, 3,809 Valium and 4 Tic Tacs (there were 9 Viagra, too, but I assured him I didn't need it). They begged me to find some combination and get some sleep. They were afraid for me, somehow managing to psychically project my holocostic views onto film and email them out. Of course they wouldn't say CNN Effed up. Noooooo..it's ME. I know you, dear readers, know better than this, seeing fine examples of my stability in my Hate Mail replies, so I present this to you for your perusal.

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